I walked into the large conference room and laid eyes not on a podium and a screen, but on chairs.  Chairs in a circular formation.  “Oh no,” I thought, “we’re going to have to circle up and talk.” Circling up and talking is not one of my favorite activities.  Never has been.  But, this was a seminar just for women and the challenges they face in a career of photography.  My girl, Mary Marantz, was speaking, so I thought I’d stop in and hear her.  Lead by a panel of four women, to include Mary, the head facilitator asked, “Let’s start this session with a question.  I want to go around the room and each of us share our one-word response.”  I could feel the butterflies coming on.  “What could it be?” I thought.

And then she said it.

“What do you fear?”

Sitting in the middle of the circle, I knew I had a good 40 people until the wand passed to me.  “What do I fear? Hmm..”  With furrowed eyebrows, I thought hard.  With the best of intentions, I searched my soul as quickly as possible: “What do I fear? What am I scared of? Come on, René…”  The air was sprinkled with verbiage such as “failure, scarcity, nonacceptance, failure, death, bankruptcy, failure, disappointment, abandonment,” and yet again, “failure.”  As each woman voiced her concern, I thought to myself, “Do I fear that? Nope… Do I fear that one? Nope, not that one… Nope, don’t fear that either.”

I could feel my hands begin to shake and my heart beat faster and faster as my turn drew closer.  Finally, there was a silence in the air.  It was my turn.  And I knew all 80 or so women were staring at me.  No, I didn’t just know they were staring.  I could FEEL their stares hitting me all over like bullets.  I knew at any moment, my heart was about to pound out of my chest and run and hide in the seminar next door because I knew what was about to happen.  I drew in a breath, and with a shaky voice, I said it:

“Nothing.”

You could hear the slight draws of breath and gasps.  The once quickly paced, popcorn drill didn’t resume as quickly as it did before.  The gal beside me gave me a nudge with her elbow and with a small smile said, “Wow, good for you.”

I felt frustrated that I was obligated to name a fear.  It was the first time I had to examine what I actually feared.  And the truth is, I don’t fear anything.  Am I uneasy about the future?  Of course.  Do I get a little freaked out when I have no idea where my money is coming from?  Absolutely.  Do I worry about shooting in the darkest church in town where flash isn’t allowed?  I used to.

But, you see, I’ve learned that with a little bit of faith and self-confidence, the situation is NEVER as bad as I thought it was.  And I feel like I’m in a resilient period of life where mistakes are meant to be made and more importantly, I can always recover.  I’ve learned that our fears are basically centered around the question: “What if…?”  I think we get in a habit of looking into the future and worrying about the worst.  Obsessing about what ugly things COULD happen.  But how often do those things come true?  Mark Twain once said: “I am an old man and have had many troubles, most of which never happened.”

So my challenge to all of us is to give ourselves a little bit of grace.  A little bit of room to grow.  And an understanding that if we fall, that it’s a-okay to get back on again.  We have no other choice.  What if we spent our time thinking about what pretty things COULD happen instead of focusing on the ugly ones?

….2009 Pictage Partner Conference.  A place where inspiration can be found, souls can be searched, networking is done, alligator is a pizza topping, brownies are flavored with bacon grease, and models in Vera Wang flock the streets just waiting to be photographed…

Last week, I made the trek to New Orleans for an amazing experience with 500 of the world’s best photographers.  I’ve been home for almost a week now and am finally catching my breath.  I learned so so much, met some pretty incredible people,  ignited some fantastic friendships, and challenged myself with situations like the one above.  But in the mean time, my inbox is about to burst at the seams, so thank you everyone for being so patient as I get back to all of your e-mails and tasks.  You’re not forgotten!  And please, continue to check back in on the blog because LOTS and LOTS of posts are comin’ down the shoot to include high fashion wedding shoots, high school seniors, rockin’ engagements and weddings, and more insight from PartnerCon.